For years, Pennsylvania has remained America’s top tourist destination. Travelers from around the globe flock to see such majestic sites as Pittsburgh, Gettysburg, and Wahlburgers. But in recent years, skyrocketing airfare and the advent of virtual tourism purveyors, such as communications tycoon Hubace Flibbert’s new “Foreign Dickbag Simulator” service, have dealt major blows to Pennsylvania’s second-and-a-half-largest industry. Just in time, then, for a forward-thinking ad agency to resurrect Pennsylvania as the most happening spot on the planet.
Frankman, Hothstein, Hothstein, and Steinhoth (fhh&s) have been making waves in the marketing world for some time now. They gained national attention—and a fifty per cent sales boost for their clients—after airing a controversial ad during Mega Game XXVII depicting emaciated third-world children seductively eating Big Billy brand Jerky Giblets with the tagline “Hunger Ain’t Sexy.”They’ve also been recognized as postmodernist statement-makers in response to a campaign for Patriot Bank comprised solely of stolen Mintsations Chewing Gum ads. Now, they’ve been hired by the Pennsylvania State Tourism Board to bring much-needed tourism dollars back into the state.
“What sells better than anything? Better than every other thing on the planet?” posits Saul Hothstein, arms folded in confidence. His brother, Sal Steinhoth, responds excitedly: “Sex.” Both present in smart patterned blouses with lace cuffs and sport the same greased handlebar moustache.
But no matter how much swagger or advertising clout they have, fhh&s would never be able to legalize any sort of sex industry in Pennsylvania, due to strict morality laws and the Amish.
The solution? Target a more wholesome market: consenting couples looking for variety in their lovemaking sessions.
“Who says sex tourism can’t also fit our good old fashioned American values?” asks fellow senior partner Raul Hothstein, of no relation to Saul Hothstein. “We’re trying to get the message out to everybody: Sex is one hundred per cent legal in Pennsylvania. As long as you’re not doing anything too racy. I’m talking to you, swingers. Sorry, but we don’t want your dirty hands touching America’s Breadbasket.”
fhh&s plan to roll out their campaign in the coming months, targeting their distribution in noted romantic backwaters like Paris, Rome, and Bangkok.
Pennsylvania’s Director of Tourism and Touristic Acts, Dr. Lidney Kooche, is anxious but excited for the new project. “It took some time for me to warm up to it, but I really think this is gonna take off. Our regional tourism heads have really responded well to the slogans: ‘Get Freaky in Philly’, ‘Lovers Live in Lancaster’, and ‘Remember the Thousands of Fallen Men Brutally Slayed as you Nut in Gettysburg’.”
Gordon Frankman chose not to comment on the campaign as his jaw had recently been cosmetically removed.