State of Pennsylvania Launches Daring New Ad Campaign

For years, Pennsylvania has remained America’s top tourist destination. Travelers from around the globe flock to see such majestic sites as Pittsburgh, Gettysburg, and Wahlburgers. But in recent years, skyrocketing airfare and the advent of virtual tourism purveyors, such as communications tycoon Hubace Flibbert’s new “Foreign Dickbag Simulator” service, have dealt major blows to Pennsylvania’s second-and-a-half-largest industry. Just in time, then, for a forward-thinking ad agency to resurrect Pennsylvania as the most happening spot on the planet.

Frankman, Hothstein, Hothstein, and Steinhoth (fhh&s) have been making waves in the marketing world for some time now. They gained national attention—and a fifty per cent sales boost for their clients—after airing a controversial ad during Mega Game XXVII depicting emaciated third-world children seductively eating Big Billy brand Jerky Giblets with the tagline “Hunger Ain’t Sexy.”They’ve also been recognized as postmodernist statement-makers in response to a campaign for Patriot Bank comprised solely of stolen Mintsations Chewing Gum ads. Now, they’ve been hired by the Pennsylvania State Tourism Board to bring much-needed tourism dollars back into the state.

“What sells better than anything? Better than every other thing on the planet?” posits Saul Hothstein, arms folded in confidence. His brother, Sal Steinhoth, responds excitedly: “Sex.” Both present in smart patterned blouses with lace cuffs and sport the same greased handlebar moustache.

But no matter how much swagger or advertising clout they have, fhh&s would never be able to legalize any sort of sex industry in Pennsylvania, due to strict morality laws and the Amish.

The solution? Target a more wholesome market: consenting couples looking for variety in their lovemaking sessions.

“Who says sex tourism can’t also fit our good old fashioned American values?” asks fellow senior partner Raul Hothstein, of no relation to Saul Hothstein. “We’re trying to get the message out to everybody: Sex is one hundred per cent legal in Pennsylvania. As long as you’re not doing anything too racy. I’m talking to you, swingers. Sorry, but we don’t want your dirty hands touching America’s Breadbasket.”

fhh&s plan to roll out their campaign in the coming months, targeting their distribution in noted romantic backwaters like Paris, Rome, and Bangkok.

Pennsylvania’s Director of Tourism and Touristic Acts, Dr. Lidney Kooche, is anxious but excited for the new project. “It took some time for me to warm up to it, but I really think this is gonna take off. Our regional tourism heads have really responded well to the slogans: ‘Get Freaky in Philly’, ‘Lovers Live in Lancaster’, and ‘Remember the Thousands of Fallen Men Brutally Slayed as you Nut in Gettysburg’.”

Gordon Frankman chose not to comment on the campaign as his jaw had recently been cosmetically removed.

4K Television: Next Big Thing or Next Big Bust?

New technology set to change TV

This year's fall network lineup may seem mundane to the average viewer: most new pilots cater to the established tastes of viewers, such as The Wurst of Times, poised to become the spiritual successor to the classic sausage-making elimination challenge Even Kielbasa, or Danger Roland, adapted from the risk management-focused action comic book of the same name. But those with their ears on the pulse of new media technology know that this year is different. For the first time, selected shows will be produced using the 4K process.

Invented by Swedish media guru Jens Soorreenssëenn, 4K has already revolutionized the world of film, and it is now poised to take over television. The system, for those unaware, simplifies the entire production workflow into a series of four K's: Kollaboration, Kamera, Kutting, and 'Keith'. The first three steps have been standard practices in American cinema and television for over fifty years, but the last step is crucial for the 4K system to work. 'Keith' is a specially developed AI designed to emulate the average consumer. Technicians carefully feed a rough cut of the program into 'Keith', who then produces a list of changes to be made to better fit the taste of the desired audience. Production then starts again from scratch, with newfound insight provided by 'Keith'.

Jens Soorreenssëenn, inventor of the 4K system

Jens Soorreenssëenn, inventor of the 4K system

Soorreenssëenn has famously refused to speak publicly about his system, but reaction from the greater television community has been polarized. 

"It's totally changed the way I think about my films," remarked director Abram Kushner. "'Keith' has allowed me to spot the boring exposition in my movies, rationalize their lack of importance, and cut out the fat."

Other prominent figures are less excited to become early adopters. Joachim Lambaste, screenwriter of the popular Goblins of Kaa'aa'a movie franchise, had this to say about the process: "I didn't like it at all. 'Keith' wanted to add three extra 'a's into the title, along with four apostrophes at the end, which for some reason the studio got behind. He got a writing credit for that too, which I think is way out of line. Why are we even calling this thing 'Keith', anyway? It's just a big dumb computer." Sadly, Lambaste died of acute hair follicle swelling shortly after this comment, though his newest movie Goblins of Kaa'aa'aaaa'''' IV: Feet Don't Fail Me Now is in theaters next week.

Regardless of public opinion, 4K is coming to shows such as Korbynn's Adventures, The Letter P, and GELB! later this month.