Latest James Cameron Project Cancelled due to Rain

Few directors in Hollywood have the creative vision and industry savvy to top all-time gross charts multiple times throughout their careers. James Cameron is one of them. His undisputed track record has given him unprecedented control over his work, control he has used to completely halt production on his latest feature.

“It’s a court drama set in Elizabethan England,” teased Cameron last year before production started before production ended. “We want to stay true to that era as much as possible, which is why we’ve booked the Amazon for four months of shooting starting next February. That and Spielberg was going to shoot the Schindler’s List/Indiana Jones crossover sequel there, but he can’t now!”

Known for employing the latest in filmmaking technology, Cameron powered his jungle studio with the high-capacity batteries that Elon Musk plans to fit in the newest iteration of his Tesla line. Exposed lithium from the batteries, when met with the downpour provided by the Amazonian wet season, caused numerous small explosions on-set. Lead actress Monica Strewesbury was partially blinded by a hunk of flaming alkaline, an accident that would be more tragic had it not saved on prosthetic expenses for her next project, a silver screen adaptation of the classic musical The One-Eyed Rabbi.

Cameron and his production house To' Up Feeturez are expected to cut an 80-million-dollar check to Jeff Bezos for their use of the Amazon. Such a sum hasn't seemed to phase him, however- when interviewed by CelebriStalkers this month, he maintained a positive outlook:

“Sometimes your greatest inspirations come from your biggest losses. I got the idea for The Terminator from a food poisoning-induced nightmare when I was filming Piranha II in Jamaica. No, seriously. That happened.”

Winter Olympics to be Preserved in Ice

In Pyeongchang, preparations are in order to make the 2018 Winter Olympic Games the most well-documented and historically preserved sporting event of all time.

Donnie Chonnieman, president of NBABCSNBS, the entity with international broadcasting rights to the Games, revealed his plan to cryogenically suspend the entire event, athletes and all.

"The Olympic Games are a beautiful spectacle of international cooperation, a time for all lands to unite under the banner of good-natured competition. We are well aware of the founding principles of the Olympics: those of honesty, openness, and the ideal of athletic greatness triumphing over monetary gain. That is why we believe the founders of the modern Games, like those noble Greeks who started them, would be proud of NBABCSNBS for retaining exclusive intellectual rights to the 2018 Olympic Glacier indefinitely," Chonnieman stated at a press conference in Seoul this weekend.

Althetes from all nations have agreed to clinically die as their body temperature is slowly lowered to freezing during the closing ceremony. NBABCSNBS plans to thaw the Olympics to produce 10, 25, and 50 year anniversary specials in the future.

State of Pennsylvania Launches Daring New Ad Campaign

For years, Pennsylvania has remained America’s top tourist destination. Travelers from around the globe flock to see such majestic sites as Pittsburgh, Gettysburg, and Wahlburgers. But in recent years, skyrocketing airfare and the advent of virtual tourism purveyors, such as communications tycoon Hubace Flibbert’s new “Foreign Dickbag Simulator” service, have dealt major blows to Pennsylvania’s second-and-a-half-largest industry. Just in time, then, for a forward-thinking ad agency to resurrect Pennsylvania as the most happening spot on the planet.

Frankman, Hothstein, Hothstein, and Steinhoth (fhh&s) have been making waves in the marketing world for some time now. They gained national attention—and a fifty per cent sales boost for their clients—after airing a controversial ad during Mega Game XXVII depicting emaciated third-world children seductively eating Big Billy brand Jerky Giblets with the tagline “Hunger Ain’t Sexy.”They’ve also been recognized as postmodernist statement-makers in response to a campaign for Patriot Bank comprised solely of stolen Mintsations Chewing Gum ads. Now, they’ve been hired by the Pennsylvania State Tourism Board to bring much-needed tourism dollars back into the state.

“What sells better than anything? Better than every other thing on the planet?” posits Saul Hothstein, arms folded in confidence. His brother, Sal Steinhoth, responds excitedly: “Sex.” Both present in smart patterned blouses with lace cuffs and sport the same greased handlebar moustache.

But no matter how much swagger or advertising clout they have, fhh&s would never be able to legalize any sort of sex industry in Pennsylvania, due to strict morality laws and the Amish.

The solution? Target a more wholesome market: consenting couples looking for variety in their lovemaking sessions.

“Who says sex tourism can’t also fit our good old fashioned American values?” asks fellow senior partner Raul Hothstein, of no relation to Saul Hothstein. “We’re trying to get the message out to everybody: Sex is one hundred per cent legal in Pennsylvania. As long as you’re not doing anything too racy. I’m talking to you, swingers. Sorry, but we don’t want your dirty hands touching America’s Breadbasket.”

fhh&s plan to roll out their campaign in the coming months, targeting their distribution in noted romantic backwaters like Paris, Rome, and Bangkok.

Pennsylvania’s Director of Tourism and Touristic Acts, Dr. Lidney Kooche, is anxious but excited for the new project. “It took some time for me to warm up to it, but I really think this is gonna take off. Our regional tourism heads have really responded well to the slogans: ‘Get Freaky in Philly’, ‘Lovers Live in Lancaster’, and ‘Remember the Thousands of Fallen Men Brutally Slayed as you Nut in Gettysburg’.”

Gordon Frankman chose not to comment on the campaign as his jaw had recently been cosmetically removed.

Chaiseism in Popular Media

We love movies and TV because of their spontaneity- everybody wants to know what happens next when a story can turn on a dime. What's deceptive, though, is the care that does into that so-called spontaneity. Every part of production is carefully thought out, from the first pitch to the final cut. One aspect of this systematic planning is drawing the ire of a group of rising importance and might be completely flipped on its head in the near future.

The central issue here is furniture. Think of any movie you've seen in theaters recently, and there's a 98 percent chance that the main characters, when in a living room environment, are sitting on a sofa or loveseat.

"That's a big problem," says Gel McUrhard, leader of the rights group UPHOLSTER (UPward Holding Of Lounges, STools, and Easychair Recliners). "We're completely erasing a large part of our furnitureal heritage by relegating our favorite characters to simple couches."

McUrhard and UPHOLSTER argue that chaise lounges, along with other furniture styles, are critically underrepresented in our media- and when they are, they're forced into stereotypical situations. For example, in Wesley Arsul's upcoming buddy detective thriller rom-com Stogies XIV, the antagonist, a cold-blooded psychoanalyst, spends most on-screen time sitting in a black easter chair. This issue of "chaiseism" has slowly risen from an outsider theory to one of the major problems facing Hollywood today.

UPHOLSTER is doing all it can to increase the representation of furniture in popular media, a process they are calling "diversofacation."

"It's kind of a fun name," says McUrhard. "We're very serious about furniture discrimination, but sometimes we like to mix it up. There's a wacky costume party meet-and-greet coming up. It'd be great if you told people to come. Also, can you not publish that I asked you to publish that? I can still see you writing on your notepad."

Readers wishing to learn more about chaiseism can attend Gel McUrhard's Furniture Discrimination and Contact Juggling Meet'n'Greet next month at O'Doughgherty's Old-Fashioned Surplus Warehouse. Female attendees are encouraged to wear business casual or, if possible, a nurse-themed Halloween costume.

How Pickles Went From Briny Cukes to Shiny Dukes

A tale of myth, magic, and marketing

Call it what you want: whether pickle, gherkin, or greeny-bumpy, this sour, salty sortie into the gourmet is a delicacy throughout the Western world. The world-famous Robicheaux's Steakhouse, situated in the heart of the affluent Miami-Dade area, serves kosher dills with their popular fifteen ounce sirloin, while Chef Q. Ng of Birmingham, Alabama's trendy kitchen Nanjidesuorokaijamiroquai serves a special deconstructed version of bread-and-butter pickles, completely separated into its constituent bread and butter parts. But believe it or not, pickles were, until very recently, a staple of the masses. In the past hundred years, clever advertisers have worked with international pickle cartels to elevate the brined preserve to an almost royal status.

PeKiers Ad.jpg

"Pickles were, until very recently, a staple of the masses."


From Curiosity to Bonanza

Pickles were originally discovered by accident. In 1724, during one of a number of failed experiments that sought to produce a longitudinal clock, natural philosopher Sir Gordon Dorne dropped a cucumber into a bottle of the brine he used to wash his gears and springs. Because all of his clocks were rusted and broken, Dorne was unaware that months had passed before said cucumber was discovered. Although an account of Dorne's "saltee Bryne-flesh" appears in an edition of the Royal Society's Philosophical Transactions, the foodstuff did not catch on for another hundred years.

The modern pickle would finally come into its own after 1830. That year, Sal Raczewyégjk, a struggling Polish door-to-door cucumber salesman, started selling paper bags filled with cucumbers preserved with seawater. Raczewyégjk's "sea-cucumbers" were a commercial failure, although they did become the world's first underwater invasive species.

The following year, Joseph Pickle, inspired by the sea-cucumber he saw in his travels through Europe, introduced Pickle brand brined cucumbers to the American market. Improving upon Raczewyégjk's design by adding flavorings such as honey barbecue and spicy habanero and selling his product in jars instead of paper bags, Pickle's pickles were the pick of the litter. Within a year, pickle mania had spread across America and western Europe. Cheap, reliable, and interestingly tangy, the pickle became the everyman's food. They were instrumental in the lessening of Ireland's suffering from famine, despite the fact that pickle mash was less than appealing. As the high tide of preservatives washed over the world, corporate consolidation had led to a near-monopoly on the pickle, with manufacturer PeKiers controlling over 90 percent of global market share and making a hefty profit.

By the turn of the Twentieth century, however, the pickle had grown stale. Younger consumers who were not alive to experience the 'Pickle Age' had little personal connection to the food. The gherkin became cliche, surpassed by new and exciting dishes like garlic bread, boiled radishes, and lard. If PeKiers was to continue its operations, it would have to completely redefine the pickle.

Pickles Are For A Very Long Time

Enter Dale Frurroughs: the greatest salesman of his generation. Born in a storm drain outside of Kansas City, Tennessee in 1889, the young man grew up selling suspender wax on the street before saving enough money to buy a mule he rode to New York. Arriving penniless in 1905, Frurroughs started writing ad copy for the booming sauerkraut industry. At age 20, he was approached by PeKiers, by this time a corporation racked by debt and on the brink of insolvency, to create a series of newspaper ads for their pickles. Begrudgingly motivated by a check for 27 cents (at that time an astronomical sum), Frurroughs went to work. He recreated the pickle as a classic and timeless piece of sophistication:

"PeKiers pickles are the epitome of luxury. Endowed with a not-entirely-unpleasant flavor and a brilliant green hue, they complement any refined dinner or cosmopolitain gathering. Place a jar in the parlour or smoking-room to enhance the milieu."

These ads, along with the now-famous tagline Pickles Are For a Very Long Time, completely saved PeKiers and the pickle industry. PeKiers soon organized a worldwide pickle cartel to restrict production and drive prices up. 

Still intact today, the PeKiers cartel controls world pickle prices and creates artificial scarcity. Their advertising department exploits human emotion, jealousy in particular, to sell price-inflated preserved cucumbers to schmucks. Upper management concerns itself solely with profit, aiming to top revenues year by year. There is no doubt why PeKiers remains one of America's favorite corporations.

Why The "Polka Generation" is Still Important

The first thing that comes to mind when the average consumer thinks about polka is probably Big Rodney Mulligan's number one novelty hit, "Polka Party Throwdown." Although some may think the music is out of fashion, polka remains an important influence in today's media environment.

Although the polka craze of the thirties and forties was overtaken by a wave of popular Polynesian music that's still around today, polka has never gone away. In hole-in-the-wall polka clubs and back alley polka jam sessions, the one-two rhythm kept going as a symbol of the disillusioned youth of the late-Nineteenth century. Today still, the word 'cool' is indelibly tied with the word 'polka'.

Hipsters around the world have the Bohemian beat to thank for their skinny leather jeans, polka-dotted handkerchiefs and large wooden accordions. The casual, laid-back style of a large hoop dress atop full hose and garters has been the muse of many a designer, including such names as Ritz Florghe, Geralde D'antonninique, Alex the Originator, and MIT's FashionBot. Samples of old polka records became the basis of the genre of music we know today as "Bim-Bum," still as fresh and cool-sounding as the day they were recorded in the late 1890's.

Polka is the overwhelming trend in the music market. As a genre, it embodies a carefree, relaxed attitude that millenials identify with. Market analysis reports that an association with polka music increased net revenue from retail sales an astounding thirteen percent on average.

Though it may seem kitsch, cliquish, liquid, or clicky-clicky to some, polka is still cool as a kraut jar-- and it's here to stay.

4K Television: Next Big Thing or Next Big Bust?

New technology set to change TV

This year's fall network lineup may seem mundane to the average viewer: most new pilots cater to the established tastes of viewers, such as The Wurst of Times, poised to become the spiritual successor to the classic sausage-making elimination challenge Even Kielbasa, or Danger Roland, adapted from the risk management-focused action comic book of the same name. But those with their ears on the pulse of new media technology know that this year is different. For the first time, selected shows will be produced using the 4K process.

Invented by Swedish media guru Jens Soorreenssëenn, 4K has already revolutionized the world of film, and it is now poised to take over television. The system, for those unaware, simplifies the entire production workflow into a series of four K's: Kollaboration, Kamera, Kutting, and 'Keith'. The first three steps have been standard practices in American cinema and television for over fifty years, but the last step is crucial for the 4K system to work. 'Keith' is a specially developed AI designed to emulate the average consumer. Technicians carefully feed a rough cut of the program into 'Keith', who then produces a list of changes to be made to better fit the taste of the desired audience. Production then starts again from scratch, with newfound insight provided by 'Keith'.

Jens Soorreenssëenn, inventor of the 4K system

Jens Soorreenssëenn, inventor of the 4K system

Soorreenssëenn has famously refused to speak publicly about his system, but reaction from the greater television community has been polarized. 

"It's totally changed the way I think about my films," remarked director Abram Kushner. "'Keith' has allowed me to spot the boring exposition in my movies, rationalize their lack of importance, and cut out the fat."

Other prominent figures are less excited to become early adopters. Joachim Lambaste, screenwriter of the popular Goblins of Kaa'aa'a movie franchise, had this to say about the process: "I didn't like it at all. 'Keith' wanted to add three extra 'a's into the title, along with four apostrophes at the end, which for some reason the studio got behind. He got a writing credit for that too, which I think is way out of line. Why are we even calling this thing 'Keith', anyway? It's just a big dumb computer." Sadly, Lambaste died of acute hair follicle swelling shortly after this comment, though his newest movie Goblins of Kaa'aa'aaaa'''' IV: Feet Don't Fail Me Now is in theaters next week.

Regardless of public opinion, 4K is coming to shows such as Korbynn's Adventures, The Letter P, and GELB! later this month.

Blake Lowe Blog Announces First Blog Post

blake lowe, a respected name in the media industry, announced on Wednesday that a new media 'blog' would be launched as part of a continued rebranding strategy towards the 18-35 single male market. will be the future home for up-to-date information and refreshing commentary on yesterday's, today's, and tomorrow's media.

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