4K Television: Next Big Thing or Next Big Bust?

New technology set to change TV

This year's fall network lineup may seem mundane to the average viewer: most new pilots cater to the established tastes of viewers, such as The Wurst of Times, poised to become the spiritual successor to the classic sausage-making elimination challenge Even Kielbasa, or Danger Roland, adapted from the risk management-focused action comic book of the same name. But those with their ears on the pulse of new media technology know that this year is different. For the first time, selected shows will be produced using the 4K process.

Invented by Swedish media guru Jens Soorreenssëenn, 4K has already revolutionized the world of film, and it is now poised to take over television. The system, for those unaware, simplifies the entire production workflow into a series of four K's: Kollaboration, Kamera, Kutting, and 'Keith'. The first three steps have been standard practices in American cinema and television for over fifty years, but the last step is crucial for the 4K system to work. 'Keith' is a specially developed AI designed to emulate the average consumer. Technicians carefully feed a rough cut of the program into 'Keith', who then produces a list of changes to be made to better fit the taste of the desired audience. Production then starts again from scratch, with newfound insight provided by 'Keith'.

Jens Soorreenssëenn, inventor of the 4K system

Jens Soorreenssëenn, inventor of the 4K system

Soorreenssëenn has famously refused to speak publicly about his system, but reaction from the greater television community has been polarized. 

"It's totally changed the way I think about my films," remarked director Abram Kushner. "'Keith' has allowed me to spot the boring exposition in my movies, rationalize their lack of importance, and cut out the fat."

Other prominent figures are less excited to become early adopters. Joachim Lambaste, screenwriter of the popular Goblins of Kaa'aa'a movie franchise, had this to say about the process: "I didn't like it at all. 'Keith' wanted to add three extra 'a's into the title, along with four apostrophes at the end, which for some reason the studio got behind. He got a writing credit for that too, which I think is way out of line. Why are we even calling this thing 'Keith', anyway? It's just a big dumb computer." Sadly, Lambaste died of acute hair follicle swelling shortly after this comment, though his newest movie Goblins of Kaa'aa'aaaa'''' IV: Feet Don't Fail Me Now is in theaters next week.

Regardless of public opinion, 4K is coming to shows such as Korbynn's Adventures, The Letter P, and GELB! later this month.