Latest James Cameron Project Cancelled due to Rain

Few directors in Hollywood have the creative vision and industry savvy to top all-time gross charts multiple times throughout their careers. James Cameron is one of them. His undisputed track record has given him unprecedented control over his work, control he has used to completely halt production on his latest feature.

“It’s a court drama set in Elizabethan England,” teased Cameron last year before production started before production ended. “We want to stay true to that era as much as possible, which is why we’ve booked the Amazon for four months of shooting starting next February. That and Spielberg was going to shoot the Schindler’s List/Indiana Jones crossover sequel there, but he can’t now!”

Known for employing the latest in filmmaking technology, Cameron powered his jungle studio with the high-capacity batteries that Elon Musk plans to fit in the newest iteration of his Tesla line. Exposed lithium from the batteries, when met with the downpour provided by the Amazonian wet season, caused numerous small explosions on-set. Lead actress Monica Strewesbury was partially blinded by a hunk of flaming alkaline, an accident that would be more tragic had it not saved on prosthetic expenses for her next project, a silver screen adaptation of the classic musical The One-Eyed Rabbi.

Cameron and his production house To' Up Feeturez are expected to cut an 80-million-dollar check to Jeff Bezos for their use of the Amazon. Such a sum hasn't seemed to phase him, however- when interviewed by CelebriStalkers this month, he maintained a positive outlook:

“Sometimes your greatest inspirations come from your biggest losses. I got the idea for The Terminator from a food poisoning-induced nightmare when I was filming Piranha II in Jamaica. No, seriously. That happened.”

4K Television: Next Big Thing or Next Big Bust?

New technology set to change TV

This year's fall network lineup may seem mundane to the average viewer: most new pilots cater to the established tastes of viewers, such as The Wurst of Times, poised to become the spiritual successor to the classic sausage-making elimination challenge Even Kielbasa, or Danger Roland, adapted from the risk management-focused action comic book of the same name. But those with their ears on the pulse of new media technology know that this year is different. For the first time, selected shows will be produced using the 4K process.

Invented by Swedish media guru Jens Soorreenssëenn, 4K has already revolutionized the world of film, and it is now poised to take over television. The system, for those unaware, simplifies the entire production workflow into a series of four K's: Kollaboration, Kamera, Kutting, and 'Keith'. The first three steps have been standard practices in American cinema and television for over fifty years, but the last step is crucial for the 4K system to work. 'Keith' is a specially developed AI designed to emulate the average consumer. Technicians carefully feed a rough cut of the program into 'Keith', who then produces a list of changes to be made to better fit the taste of the desired audience. Production then starts again from scratch, with newfound insight provided by 'Keith'.

Jens Soorreenssëenn, inventor of the 4K system

Jens Soorreenssëenn, inventor of the 4K system

Soorreenssëenn has famously refused to speak publicly about his system, but reaction from the greater television community has been polarized. 

"It's totally changed the way I think about my films," remarked director Abram Kushner. "'Keith' has allowed me to spot the boring exposition in my movies, rationalize their lack of importance, and cut out the fat."

Other prominent figures are less excited to become early adopters. Joachim Lambaste, screenwriter of the popular Goblins of Kaa'aa'a movie franchise, had this to say about the process: "I didn't like it at all. 'Keith' wanted to add three extra 'a's into the title, along with four apostrophes at the end, which for some reason the studio got behind. He got a writing credit for that too, which I think is way out of line. Why are we even calling this thing 'Keith', anyway? It's just a big dumb computer." Sadly, Lambaste died of acute hair follicle swelling shortly after this comment, though his newest movie Goblins of Kaa'aa'aaaa'''' IV: Feet Don't Fail Me Now is in theaters next week.

Regardless of public opinion, 4K is coming to shows such as Korbynn's Adventures, The Letter P, and GELB! later this month.